Christmas Letter

This year, for the first time, I sent out a Christmas Letter. I was way behind on the holiday-related errands and activities, so although I kind of think the mass holiday letter is lazy, impersonal, and too often used as a way to pretend that the sender's life is worth bragging about when it clearly, clearly is not, I just didn't have the time or, let's face it, the will to write the same boring thing by hand in each of my relative's cards, like I usually do. So I summarized 2008 in all its glory, threw in a couple of pictures, and sent it out.

As I was writing it, I was also writing a parallel Christmas Letter in my head, a letter that more accurately captured the happenings of 2008. It went a little something like this.

Dear Family, Friends, and People I Never Hear From Except When You Send Me Photos of Your Children Without So Much as a Note:

Well, 2008 is drawing to a close, and even though it certainly has not been a terribly exciting year, allow me to take this opportunity to generically share with all of you a few of the mundane details.

I am still at the same soul-crushing job, being too lazy to figure out something better to do. It has been twelve years now, and at this point I'm pretty sure that unless I get fired, which would almost be a blessing, I will be there until I die, or retire, but who still thinks we'll actually be able to retire, right? Ha ha. At least I have been fortunate enough to travel to several exotic locales for business, including Richmond, Virginia, which, if I am not mistaken, holds the world record for most chain restaurants per square mile. But boy oh boy, their TGIFriday's sure is one of the best I've ever visited! I was also lucky enough to visit San Antonio, Texas, on a couple of occasions this year. I know what you're thinking--that's where they have that lovely River Walk, right? Yeah, right. Have you seen it? It is like a cross between the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World and your least favorite tee-shirt-shop-lined tourist town, and the rest of the city is, as far as I can tell, a giant tangle of half-constructed highway overpasses and access roads leading to a staggering array of chain Tex-Mex restaurants. Delightful.

So that's work. But I mean, there's a support group for people who hate their jobs, right? It's called everyone. They meet at the bar every Friday night. Ha ha.

I am still living in Trenton, a fact that baffles me when I stop to think about it, which thankfully is not often. (I find that the less time one spends thinking about things, the better, and you have to admit, that philosophy seems to be serving me quite well!) The city is no less a disaster than it was when I moved here, though I guess it's really no more of one either, so at least we have that going for us. Our mayor continues to delight residents with his bizarre, self-aggrandizing moves, proclaiming what a fantastic job he has done in Trenton to anyone who will listen and perhaps give him a job so he can get the hell out. And I have to say, as much as I'd like to see him gone, if the other option is to have him boast his way into a federal gig, where he could shortchange millions of people instead of the 80,000+ Trenton residents he currently underserves, well, I think I need to ask myself not what my country can do for me, but what I can do for my country, and keep him here. So I am working on organizing a group to put him on some kind of resident-enforced house arrest, especially now that gas prices have gone down and we can more easily afford to drive to his place in Hunterdon County. So you'll have me to thank for keeping him out of your hair, everyone! You're welcome!

Also, no, I am not seeing anyone. I think I have now ruled out every straight man within a 50-mile radius who has a profile up on any internet dating site. I used a very rigorous screening process to work through them all, first weeding out anyone who used any of the following words in his profile: lady, passion, values, Harley, philosopher, separated, princess, camping. Also eliminated were all men whose profiles contained more than 5 spelling or grammatical errors or were written in all caps. This eliminated an enormous number, of course, but there were still plenty left to actually meet in person, so I also endured a bazillion first dates at Uno's (or similar) during which I often wished that a freak lightning storm would whip itself up and strike the bar stool next to me. But eventually, I got through them all. Every one. Quite an accomplishment, right? Now I can settle into spinsterhood with a clear conscience, knowing that I gave it the old college (and grad-school, and gainful-employment) try.

The good news is that I am working on an arrangement with my neighbor across the street, who is quite a loner himself. We are setting up a signal system so that if one of us has fallen and can't get up, or died and is being gnawed at by pets, the other will know because the window shades were not raised to their specified height that morning, or something. We are still working out the details.

Speaking of death, I am going to be 40 in 2009! Isn't that exciting? In planning the celebration, I am vacillating between some kind of blow-out with karaoke and strippers and kobe beef skewers, and locking myself in the house alone and making cupcakes and eating them until I vomit. I will let you know what I decide, and depending on the outcome, and whether I actually like you, you might be getting an invitation, so better save the date!

And here's the best news of all, which I saved for last: I got Verizon's HD cable deal. So now I really have no reason to ever leave the house again! And even though I have DVR, so I can theoretically pause the show I'm watching to pick up the phone when you call, I doubt I will, since that would also involve getting off the couch. Don't take it personally, though. Ha ha.

So that's about it! I wish all of you the very merriest of Christmases, or Hanukkahs, or whatever it is you do. And I look forward to seeing the pictures of you and your kids next year.

Love,
Karen

Of course, some of that is exaggerated for (admittedly marginal) comic effect. But not much.